Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Proofreading is a dying art

After writing this, I received a joke email. I thought it would fit in perfectly.

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far! -----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy! ---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect! ------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?! -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought! ----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something! -----------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? -----------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge! ----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

If The Name Fits!!!

I was reading through the wonderful world of blogs last night when I came across this website. This site belongs to Anna Raccoon.

I was reading her blog and to my surprise (jaw hitting the floor), I read about Martin Cullip who has had enough of the shit we are in now and is standing for Parliament. His local newspaper (Sutton Guardian) published an article about all the election candidates in the Sutton and Cheam Constituency.

Everyone received a glowing write up (including John Clarke from the BNP), but to my surprise Martin Cullip's write up was the most spiteful piece of journalism I have ever seen in my life.

Martin Cullip, Libertarian

Plays with Surrey Darts team and helps maintain their Toe The Oche website.

The website cites his hobbies as The Cranberries, AFC Wimbledon and "running across all eight lanes of the M25 at junction eight, dressed only in a basque and a pair of Pretty Polly 15 denier stockings.

I was a little bored last night and wasn't tired so I thought I would try a few family members names on a anagram website

I then thought I would try the name of the journalist that wrote the story about Martin Cullip. Her name is Julia Kennard. What I found, I thought was quite apt for the political shit she had written...

Julia Kennard - ANAL, DIRE JUNK

If the article fits eh Julia.

I do hope Martin has made a noise about the article that was written. Hopefully she gets the sack and has trouble finding another job for the rest of her life.

Never mind Julia, I'm always in need of a housekeeper :-)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Today is the day!!!

I am waiting to hear how the start of the trial is going.

I will add more as I hear it.


The three murderers are still in jail.

1 is trying to get off and his case will be heard on May 7th. The other 2 are going to trial on September 7th.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dogs and Owners are Shit

I stepped out of my house this morning to go to work to find a nice newly made steaming pile of dog shit on the grass verge by my car door.

This isn't the first time since December this has happened and as someone who likes the occasional cigarette who has been asked to go outside as I am killing everyone who passive smokes (WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT) I would like to put it forward to the government that I think all dogs should be banned.

Dogs are bad for my health as when they bark they hurt my eardrums and could burst the drum and when they come near me I could inhale some loose fur and it could clog the back of my throat and be inhaled into my lungs stopping me from breathing and dying late into my 90's.

So you anti smoking wankers and you anti drinking toss pots think about what you are saying and doing to people who deserve to smoke if they so choose.

BAN ALL DOGS - just because I don't like them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Christmas Songs

I was sent this this morning by my boss. This made me smile.

Please bear the following in mind when choosing music over the Christmas period:

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose?
And if you ever saw him,you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Merry Christmas :-)